Keep walking

Blast! Or at least I think it was a blast. Maybe it was an explosion, or maybe the sky fell down or the sun melted. I couldn't say for sure. But something hit me. I am flying. Not the flight of a carefree bird, but the flight of an object thrown through the air with all the intent to destroy said object upon impact. I think I've been flying for no more than five seconds, but it could have been years for all I know. Finally landed. More like crashed. I remember hitting the ground or whatever it is I hit whenever I stopped flying/falling. I couldn't pull air into my lungs. My eyes refused to open or maybe I went blind. My ears, Lord, help me my ears ringing or better yet roaring so much so that no coherent thought had time to take root in my brain and make sense of anything. Hours pass. I think I am bleeding. First thought my brain understands. I think I am bleeding. No wait, I am bleeding. My arm is on fire for some reason. I manage to open one eye. It's dark. Wait is that grass? I am at the end of some tunnel, but in the distance I see smoke, funny I can't smell it. Is that my boot I see painted in red and pathetically fighting for balance as if that's what it was made for. I manage to turn my head a little...oh, there's my shield. I think I've dropped it while I was flying. I look at whatever it is I can see of myself. My armor is ripped in so many places that I won't ever be able to use it again. My arm is all cuts and scratches. My sword is still in my hand. Correction. The hilt is still in my hand and a shard of what used to be a blade. I try to move my head and my vision expands. Wait, is my helmet covering my face? I think I recall a battle. Yes. There has been a battle. Of course, I was fighting in a battle. Wait. What? Who am I? I remember a throne and me kneeling before it. I remember loving the One seated on that throne. But I don't remember who He is or what is my relationship to Him for the life of me. I recall having some sort of purpose but I can't be asked to name it right now. I remember fighting. Maybe not just now, but many battles before. Before what? Oh, yeah... the blast. I look up. No sky. Wait, am I facing the ground? Why won't my ears stop hurting? Make it stop... God, please make it stop. God. Wait... there's God... Where is He? Everything hurts, even my hair hurts... Where is He?! Did He leave? Was He ever here? Breathe! It hurts... Make it stop...

I don't know how long I stay there like that. I don't know if it's day or night. I still don't know who I am, just some existence. A moment. Then another. Sound of footsteps. 'Help!' No answer. A pair of feet in my vision. 'Please, help!' No answer. 'Are you here to kill me?' No answer. I begin to cry. 'Say something! Who are you?'

'You know who I am.'

I know that voice. I think I'd recognize it anywhere. It's not a stranger. No, I pledged allegiance to the One speaking.

'Lord, is it you?' I ask because I doubt my senses.

'What are you doing here?' He says that as if I can just jump up and start running. Does He think I lay here to relax?

'I'm hurt...'

'I know.'

'Lord...'

'Get up!'

That voice. It once commanded darkness to retreat and give way to Light. That voice spoke everything there is into being. That voice once told a storm to cease roaring and it did. That voice once said, 'come, follow Me!' and everything in me has obeyed. But I cannot obey Him now, can't He see that I am all broken? He has a better vantage point to spot exactly where pieces of my armor lie useless and defeated.

'Lord, help me stand.'

'You can stand. Get up!'

I don't make a conscious decision to move, but I start to move. It hurts. It feels like a million little splinters are shoved into every nerve ending available. My helmet falls down with my movement. A huge chunk of it is missing. I must have been hit pretty hard. I drop my 'sword' so I can support my weight on my arms. Yeah, that hurts. Deep breaths. Every tiny movement takes ages. I manage to get on my knees. I rest there a bit. I look up. There He is. In all His glory. My beautiful, Lord.

I begin to remember. Everything. I was lost, He found me. He saved me and gave me a purpose. One greater than myself and my well-being in this world. He trained my heart for battle. He armored me and trusted me to fight for the sake of His Kingdom. I've been in countless battles. Some more successful than others. But the point is, I can fight. For no other reason than I love my King. I remember Him smiling many times, but He's not smiling now.

'What happened?'

'Lord, You know all things. You know what happened... I was fighting. I was winning. Then out of nowhere... the blast.'

'Yes, the blast. But you're alive, are you not?'

I smile.

'Barely, Lord. If there's another attack I'll probably die on this field.'

'Yes, you will. Unless you get up.'

I smile again. My lip is bleeding and it hurts, but I smile nonetheless.

'Get up, huh? I think one of my legs is broken, my arm cannot hold a sword. Not to mention I have no sword. My armor is torn to pieces. My helmet is useless. My shield is over there probably broken. I only see one boot. I have no idea where the other one is. My belt? Only You know where that is. Even if I get up... then what?'

'You speak as if this is the end.'

'It is! Look around! Look at me! I have nothing left to give You... Finish me off.'

'This is not that kind of army. Get up!'

Now I am angry... angry at the enemy, angry that I failed... angry that I feel like...

'Did I fail you, child?'

Those eyes of His. I want to lie. To tell Him, 'never, Lord' but I keep silent.

'Look at Me!' When did I look away. 'Did I fail you?'

'Yes!' And it's out there. Finally a smile.

'I know you're hurting', he says and pushes the hair out of my eyes. 'I know it scares you.' He lifts my chin up. 'You can cry all you want, when this is over, but it's time to get up now.' He takes me by the hand and lifts me up. I stand there like one of those lame people He once made stand with a word. He bends and picks up my sword and it's whole in His hand. He hands it over. I want to tell Him I won't be able to hold it, but somehow I do. He picks up my helmet and it's shining in His hand. He places it on my head and it hurts. He goes about three paces to the left and picks up my belt and fastens it in place. I wince. Is that a broken rib? He unties my armor and I just bleed all over Him. He whispers, 'breathe' and somehow I do. He does something to it and puts it back. I whimper in pain. He waits and looks me in the eyes. I nod to let Him know I can take it. He walks away and walks and walks and I feel like I'll faint. He's next to me again, my shield in hand.

'You dropped this', he says as he gives me the shield. I feel like I will drop it if a breeze so much as pushes against me.

He kneels before me and I want to protest the action but I need to breathe. And then I see Him cleaning my bloody feet with the hem of His robe before He puts my boots on and all I can think of is, 'it's useless'.

He stands again and turns His back to me. Is He planning to leave me again?

'It's not by strength or by might, but by my Spirit. You remain in Me. You don't just quit. You don't just ask for an out. That's not how this works. I know it hurts, it's gonna hurt some more before it's over, but you do not quit!' Eyes blazing. I must have made Him angry. He smiles again.

'Did the blast make you forget? You are Mine. Now follow,' He says as He starts walking.

Every step hurts. But I follow. Whenever I can't keep up anymore, He stops and waits. He doesn't turn, He knows I'm right behind Him.

I lift my eyes and look around. There's corpses left and right. Too many to count. I keep walking. Did I do all this? Impossible, I think I must have slashed my sword three times at most. And then I look at His back again.

'Did you do all this, Lord?'

'Yes.'

'When? Why?'

“While you were laying there. I had to make a way to reach you.' So matter of fact that it makes me smile.

'I might fall again.'

'I'll find you again.'

'What if I keep falling?'

'I'll keep finding you.'

He never gives up, my Lord. Never. That's what I love most about Him. That's how I want to be...like Him.

'The effects of this blast will pass. I know it feels like you'll never be whole again, but you will. Scarred, but whole.'

'I don't want her to die.'

'I know.'

'But, she will die...'

'Yes.'

I sob. But I keep walking. 

 

by Cristina Pop

Useful pain

 I have seen this in one of my Facebook friend's feed so I decided to borrow it. I hope it blesses anyone who might read it as it has blessed me.

I would have pulled Joseph out. Out of that pit. Out of that prison. Out of that pain. And I would have cheated nations out of the one God would use to deliver them from famine.

I would have pulled David out. Out of Saul’s spear-throwing presence. Out of the caves he hid away in. Out of the pain of rejection. And I would have cheated Israel out of a God-hearted king.

I would have pulled Esther out. Out of being snatched from her only family. Out of being placed in a position she never asked for. Out of the path of a vicious, power-hungry foe. And I would have cheated a people out of the woman God would use to save their very lives.

And I would have pulled Jesus off. Off of the cross. Off of the road that led to suffering and pain. Off of the path that would mean nakedness and beatings, nails and thorns. And I would have cheated the entire world out of a Savior. Out of salvation. Out of an eternity filled with no more suffering and no more pain.

And oh friend. I want to pull you out. I want to change your path. I want to stop your pain. But right now I know I would be wrong. I would be out of line. I would be cheating you and cheating the world out of so much good. Because God knows. He knows the good this pain will produce.

He knows the beauty this hard will grow. He’s watching over you and keeping you even in the midst of this. And He’s promising you that you can trust Him. Even when it all feels like more than you can bear.

So instead of trying to pull you out, I’m lifting you up. I’m kneeling before the Father and I’m asking Him to give you strength. To give you hope. I’m asking Him to protect you and to move you when the time is right. I’m asking Him to help you stay prayerful and discerning. I’m asking Him how I can best love you and be a help to you. And I’m believing He’s going to use your life in powerful and beautiful ways. Ways that will leave your heart grateful and humbly thankful for this road you’ve been on.

Kimberly D. Henderson, 2017 ©

Will to power

I don't like domineering people. Never have. By domineering I do not mean strong, for strength I admire with a passion. By domineering I mean that which Nietzsche had in mind when he came up with his 'will to power' idea. He argued that there is in all of us an irrational force that wills and it wills for power. More than that, in all living things the same force works and wills for the same end, power. This force is the source of all suffering and pain in the world since it is insatiable and inexhaustible. And since we are essentially slaves to this force, we might as well perfect it, “What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness (Renaissance virtue, virtù, virtue that is moraline-free).”

Now it might come across as if I disagree with Nietzsche on everything he said. I don't. I agree that this force exists. I agree that it works in every living thing. I need no other witness in this case except for myself. I see that there is something in my human flesh that wills for power, it might not manifest itself Napoleon-like or Hitler-like, but that is only due to my lack of resources. Alas I am limited to wanting to be right in an argument, wanting to be on a higher position than my fellow human being, wanting to have better-you-name-it than my peers, wanting to be first. I don't need to argue against Nietzsche's idea, I am a living proof that it exists. And I would have continued believing that there's no need to fight this will to power inside me, until I've heard a Rabbi saying, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles domineer over them, and those in high position exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave.” (Matt. 20:25-27)

Nietzsche couldn't recognize the strength in that statement. He believed that the highest will was will to power and one must follow it to its conclusion, but Jesus, Beloved Son of God, has come to break the power of that will in us. He came to set us free from it. Not by talking about a concept like Nietzsche did, but modeling it out for us by His own example. He didn't shout from heaven, 'hey, stop it, that's not the way!' But He took off His crown, He left all glory and took upon Himself a human form. With a word, nay, a thought He could have made us all submit to Him. He could have thought the Roman Empire out of existence, but then Nietzsche would have been right, that will to power is good. That will to power is the way. Instead, this humble King, the only true King broke the will to power in Himself and submitted to The Father until He reached the cross. He willingly allowed specs of dust to stretch His arms and nail them to the cross. He took the will to power and hid it inside Himself like one hides a nuclear bomb. We saw only weakness in His action when in fact He was planning to kill that will to power and the power it had over all of us. He detonated it inside Himself so it would never have to lead us or kill us. More than that, He defeated death on our behalf and rose from the dead. Nietzsche said somewhere that the last Christian died on the cross because he didn't believe we lived up to His example, but he was wrong. Maybe his philosophy would have matured into something deeper than childish delight with power. He was a weak man, despised, outcast and in love with the idea of power. He admired courage above all things, but never had to act on it. He was a timid soul unlike my King whom he despised. My King became a servant to subdue the will to power and loved until the very end so that we would chose to love instead of wanting power. Those who follow Him are known by that sign, they love like they have been loved. They take their will to power and nail it to a cross and wait until it dies within themselves. They don't deny the will to power exists, they just kill it wherever they find it in themselves. 

by Cristina Pop 

Like The Son

 There have been times in my life when I felt disappointed with God. Unmet expectations, unfulfilled dreams, unanswered prayers can break one's spirit and regardless how much I didn't like the idea of being like everybody else, those things broke my spirit too. I used to mope around for weeks mourning the loss of some unfulfilled desire. I used to tell God, 'I don't want to talk to you right now, the best I can do is sit here and be silent. I am angry with you, I feel disappointed and no explanation You might have right now can take that away. So I'll be silent. You don't get to see me pouring out my soul before You when I know that all it would have taken was a thought from You in my direction and things would have changed. So, no. No words.' Miserable soul that I was I thought that I was punishing God with my silent treatment.

It took me about a decade of similar episodes to change the way I thought and by that let it be understood that it hasn't been an immediate thing. I think I've said before and I cannot stress this enough, I am a very slow learner.

One day I was reading in Matthew chapter 4, about Jesus' temptation. It's not that I haven't read it before, in fact I did studies on it, wrote on it, thought I knew it by heart. But for the first time I finally understood something that should have been clear from the very beginning.

Christ's kingdom was not of this world, is not of this world and will never be of this world. That this King I willingly chose to rule over me, didn't have worldly ambitions for Himself or for His beloved children. Before He began acting like the promised Messiah, He has been tested. Tempted in every little thing like a mere mortal and the temptation was always this: look for the easy way out. God cannot want suffering for His beloved. Say the word and make Your discomfort, pain, frustration, go away. Use Your authority for Your own gain. Use Your position as God's Son and command it to be over, command it into existence. It's not like it isn't Your right after all. It's not like it's wrong. Claim it! God wants good things for You, it's insane to endure any discomfort, pray it away! Declare it away! It's Your right.

It would have been so easy. But then all He would have accomplished was to teach us all that that's the way. And that is so not the way. He refused immediate relief over a lasting purpose. He refused immediate comfort over obedience to The Father. “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.“ (Philippians 2:8)

His kingdom was never, is not and will never be of this world. Whenever I rebel against Him because I didn't get something that was 'rightfully' mine to receive, I miss the whole point of whatever He is doing and what I am supposed to be doing. Am I saying you shouldn't want for things? That you shouldn't pray for things? Absolutely not! Pray, ask and ask again, but “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus: who, as He already existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond-servant and being born in the likeness of men.” (Philippians 2:5-7)

You are a child of God! But if you think that gives you the right to do as you please and get whatever you want when you want it, look at how a son is to behave by watching how The Son behaved.

If you are in a waiting season, wait with hope. If you are in a 'no' season, then submit to His will and don't be as foolish as I used to be by rebelling. You will not win. Learn from The Son how to approach The Father in submission and humility.

by Cristina Pop

What are you doing here?

There will come a time or maybe you're already in it when you will forget. You will forget or have forgotten everything God has done for you and some real or imagined danger will have you running. You may think I am talking nonsense. After all you're God's beloved, He would never allow you to end up in such a place. He is your shield and your salvation, you are protected and favored. After all, maybe those that end up in such a place have clearly lost their faith or don't know the Scriptures, but that's not you.

Be that as it may, it happens to everybody. It happened to Abraham when he went to Egypt because he was afraid of the famine in the land. It happened to Isaac in the same way. It happened to Jacob when he ran from his brother's wrath. It happened to Joseph, Joshua, Gideon, Samson, David, etc.

My favorite running incident occurs in the life of Elijah. He is God's chosen prophet. He has seen God work more miracles than he can count. He has seen His power and His glory. Yet when Jezebel, aka crazy lady, threatens to have him killed, Elijah takes to heels like a good believer. (1 Kings 19) He runs into the wilderness so distraught that he says, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” Gone is the memory of everything God has done. He's depressed. He's upset. He is confused and scared. An angel comes and urges him to eat and keep on going. After a second nudging Elijah keeps on going through the wilderness to reach God's mountain, Horeb. He finds a cave, he goes in it and there God finds him and asks him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?' Elijah informs God about his dire situation because why else would God ask him unless He didn't know. God tells Elijah to go stand on the mountain. Elijah's still in the cave. And a great wind comes and and breaks apart the mountain before the Lord, but God is not in the wind. Elijah's not coming out. After the wind, an earthquake and a fire, but The Lord's not in either. After the fire the sound of a low whisper and Elijah's intrigued. He covers his face with his cloak and goes at the cave's entrance. God whispers again, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?' God's prophet tells his story a second time and God tells him to go back through the wilderness and lays out His plan for the current situation.

What are you doing here? Why are you in this place? Have I suddenly become so small in your eyes that whatever scared you away looms over you? What are you doing in this place of despair? What are you doing in this wilderness? Days before, you called fire out of heaven and it came at your word. It rained at your word and it stopped raining at your word, what are you doing here? Have you allowed Jezebel to grow so large in your mind that her words pierce your heart faster than Mine? Why are you here? A scared child impressed with silly tricks? You want tricks? Look at the wind tearing up a mountain! Look at the ground beneath your feet shaking! Look at the fire! Is it tricks that sway you? --Whisper: What are you doing here?

It happens to everybody. But if there's any truth planted in you, after you run and hide in the cave, you'll remind yourself who God is and return to where you have to be. After all, this is not where you're supposed to be. Get up and go back. 

by Cristina Pop 

Doctor

 In my previous blog post I have mentioned Elie Wiesel's book, Day. I am not in the habit of recommending books, so this is not about that, rather it's about a quote that made me think.

In context a patient, the hero of the book, is having a conversation with his doctor. Here is the quote:

“Do you believe in God, Doctor?” My question took him by surprise. He stopped suddenly, wrinkling his forehead. “Yes,” he answered. “But not in the operating room. There I only count on myself.” His eyes looked deeper. He added, “On myself and on the patient. Or, if you prefer, on the life in the diseased flesh. Life wants to live. Life wants to go on. It is opposed to death. It fights. The patient is my ally. He fights on my side. Together we are stronger than the enemy. Take the boy last night. He didn’t accept death. He helped me to win the battle. He was holding on, clinging. He was asleep, anesthetized, and yet he was taking part in the fight…” Still motionless he again stared at me intensely. There was an awkward silence. (…) “Why don't you care about living”, he asked very softly. (…) “Don't deny it, don't deny it. I know.” (…) “Nobody told me. During the operation you never helped me. Not once. You abandoned me. I had to wage the fight alone. All alone. Worse, you were on the other side. Against me. On the side of the enemy.” His voice became hard. Painfully hard. “Answer me! Why don't you want to live? Why?” (…) I thought, he's angry at me because I left him alone. Because even now, I escape him and have neither gratitude or admiration for him. That's why he's angry. He guessed that I don't care about living. That deep inside me there is no desire left to go on. And that undermines the foundation of his philosophy and his system of values. Man, according to his book must live and fight for his life. He must help doctors and not fight them. I had fought him. He brought me back to life, against my will. I had nearly joined my grandmother. I was actually on the threshold. Paul Russell stood behind me and prevented me from crossing. He was pulling me toward him. Alone against grandmother and the others and yet won. Another victory for him. A human life.“

This passage made me think of Jesus, The blessed Doctor, that fights alone. He is The Life after all... There are times I get wounded on the battle field of all my struggles and I think to myself, 'This is the end, I'll just lie here and wait for death.' Not literal death, but the death of hopes, wishes, prayers which are huge parts of me. Not the kind that need to die because they're whims, but the kind that have been birthed into life by Life. When that happens I need to cling to Life. I need to fight with every cell in me that wishes to live, to aid Him in His process of healing. Because my very bones know, I can't let death win. And if I pretend I don't believe it I'll let Him fight alone for me. In my case, He has fought by Himself for a long time. He has to bring my hopes back to Life almost against my will and face my lack of gratitude when He's done. It's not enough that He has faced death once and for all for my sake, now He has to fight to keep alive everything within me that wants to return to death. And all that without any help from me. Even worse, most times He finds me on the side of death, fighting against Him.

 “You are destroyed, O Israel, because you are against Me—against your helper.” (Hosea 13:9)

Forgive this foolish child, Lord. I'm learning slowly. Forgive me for making You wage war against my hopelessness and fear, time after time. Forgive me for despairing instead of clinging on to Life. I say I am your ally and you find me making deals with your enemy. Forgive me for my fickleness. Forgive me for leaving You alone. I will do better, Lord. Thank You for being strong enough to not give up on me.

“All my bones shall say, “O LORD, who is like you, delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him, the poor and needy from him who robs him?” (Psalm 35:10)

by Cristina Pop

Love Me

 “And you shall love The Lord your God With all your heart, all your soul and all your might.”

When Moses commanded this to the nation of Israel it must have cracked their human minds right open. And ever since then people have tried to do their best to understand what that love looks like practically. When they were asked to put together a tabernacle for their God, they looked at it as a sort of a perimeter that finally made sense. When they were given all 613 mitzvot (commandments) on how to approach the tabernacle, what to touch and not touch, how to cleanse themselves, how to select what they brought as offerings, etc, things finally made sense. They thought, 'aha! This is how we shall love this God that has brought us out of Egypt!' And so for many centuries they've learned all the little rituals, thought and rethought every rule and even came up with more. Then King David thought to himself, 'I shall build Him a house!' Little did he know that God would say, 'I don't need a house, but if you insist, let your son build me one because you have too much blood on your hands.' (I am paraphrasing of course, so do refrain from writing me messages :) ) They build Him a house. For sure now this complicated God will interpret that as love. Be happy with Your space and rejoice in the blood that we're spilling in Your Name every day, what more do You want? Apparently God still didn't feel loved. He destroys His house and sends them into exile. He forgives them and allows them to come back. Maybe now they got it. They start to repair the house of The Lord. It's not great, but they can't help it. Then Herod comes along and makes it quite majestic. For sure now God is happy. But He wasn't. They were still not getting it. No matter how much He taught them through His messengers, no matter how many Torah scrolls they had, no matter how many rabbis were explaining said scrolls, they still didn't get it. They still didn't know how to love Him. So God sends His beloved Son. Surely now they will understand. “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.” They should have recognized Him right then and there. But they were blind that it was Him: The God obsessed with being loved. He watched them, the ones that were responsible with His very heart and as a lover telling His beloved a secret, continued, “And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” This is how you should love Me, by loving those made in My image.

In Elie Wiesel's book, Day, there is a question that I really like.

'You can love God, but you can't look at Him.' (…)

'Whom do you look at when you love God?', she asked after a moment of silence. 'Yourself?'  

'If man could contemplate the face of God, he would stop loving Him. God needs love, He does not need understanding.'”

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” 'Whom do you look at when you love God?'

What do you look at? A building? A teaching? A doctrine? But this God doesn't need you to be right all the time, to sing all the right songs, pray all the right prayers, speak all the correct words and quote the scriptures at Him and at His people. He just wants to be loved! But I love you, Lord! Whom do you look at when You love Me?

 

by Cristina Pop