Keep walking

Blast! Or at least I think it was a blast. Maybe it was an explosion, or maybe the sky fell down or the sun melted. I couldn't say for sure. But something hit me. I am flying. Not the flight of a carefree bird, but the flight of an object thrown through the air with all the intent to destroy said object upon impact. I think I've been flying for no more than five seconds, but it could have been years for all I know. Finally landed. More like crashed. I remember hitting the ground or whatever it is I hit whenever I stopped flying/falling. I couldn't pull air into my lungs. My eyes refused to open or maybe I went blind. My ears, Lord, help me my ears ringing or better yet roaring so much so that no coherent thought had time to take root in my brain and make sense of anything. Hours pass. I think I am bleeding. First thought my brain understands. I think I am bleeding. No wait, I am bleeding. My arm is on fire for some reason. I manage to open one eye. It's dark. Wait is that grass? I am at the end of some tunnel, but in the distance I see smoke, funny I can't smell it. Is that my boot I see painted in red and pathetically fighting for balance as if that's what it was made for. I manage to turn my head a little...oh, there's my shield. I think I've dropped it while I was flying. I look at whatever it is I can see of myself. My armor is ripped in so many places that I won't ever be able to use it again. My arm is all cuts and scratches. My sword is still in my hand. Correction. The hilt is still in my hand and a shard of what used to be a blade. I try to move my head and my vision expands. Wait, is my helmet covering my face? I think I recall a battle. Yes. There has been a battle. Of course, I was fighting in a battle. Wait. What? Who am I? I remember a throne and me kneeling before it. I remember loving the One seated on that throne. But I don't remember who He is or what is my relationship to Him for the life of me. I recall having some sort of purpose but I can't be asked to name it right now. I remember fighting. Maybe not just now, but many battles before. Before what? Oh, yeah... the blast. I look up. No sky. Wait, am I facing the ground? Why won't my ears stop hurting? Make it stop... God, please make it stop. God. Wait... there's God... Where is He? Everything hurts, even my hair hurts... Where is He?! Did He leave? Was He ever here? Breathe! It hurts... Make it stop...

I don't know how long I stay there like that. I don't know if it's day or night. I still don't know who I am, just some existence. A moment. Then another. Sound of footsteps. 'Help!' No answer. A pair of feet in my vision. 'Please, help!' No answer. 'Are you here to kill me?' No answer. I begin to cry. 'Say something! Who are you?'

'You know who I am.'

I know that voice. I think I'd recognize it anywhere. It's not a stranger. No, I pledged allegiance to the One speaking.

'Lord, is it you?' I ask because I doubt my senses.

'What are you doing here?' He says that as if I can just jump up and start running. Does He think I lay here to relax?

'I'm hurt...'

'I know.'

'Lord...'

'Get up!'

That voice. It once commanded darkness to retreat and give way to Light. That voice spoke everything there is into being. That voice once told a storm to cease roaring and it did. That voice once said, 'come, follow Me!' and everything in me has obeyed. But I cannot obey Him now, can't He see that I am all broken? He has a better vantage point to spot exactly where pieces of my armor lie useless and defeated.

'Lord, help me stand.'

'You can stand. Get up!'

I don't make a conscious decision to move, but I start to move. It hurts. It feels like a million little splinters are shoved into every nerve ending available. My helmet falls down with my movement. A huge chunk of it is missing. I must have been hit pretty hard. I drop my 'sword' so I can support my weight on my arms. Yeah, that hurts. Deep breaths. Every tiny movement takes ages. I manage to get on my knees. I rest there a bit. I look up. There He is. In all His glory. My beautiful, Lord.

I begin to remember. Everything. I was lost, He found me. He saved me and gave me a purpose. One greater than myself and my well-being in this world. He trained my heart for battle. He armored me and trusted me to fight for the sake of His Kingdom. I've been in countless battles. Some more successful than others. But the point is, I can fight. For no other reason than I love my King. I remember Him smiling many times, but He's not smiling now.

'What happened?'

'Lord, You know all things. You know what happened... I was fighting. I was winning. Then out of nowhere... the blast.'

'Yes, the blast. But you're alive, are you not?'

I smile.

'Barely, Lord. If there's another attack I'll probably die on this field.'

'Yes, you will. Unless you get up.'

I smile again. My lip is bleeding and it hurts, but I smile nonetheless.

'Get up, huh? I think one of my legs is broken, my arm cannot hold a sword. Not to mention I have no sword. My armor is torn to pieces. My helmet is useless. My shield is over there probably broken. I only see one boot. I have no idea where the other one is. My belt? Only You know where that is. Even if I get up... then what?'

'You speak as if this is the end.'

'It is! Look around! Look at me! I have nothing left to give You... Finish me off.'

'This is not that kind of army. Get up!'

Now I am angry... angry at the enemy, angry that I failed... angry that I feel like...

'Did I fail you, child?'

Those eyes of His. I want to lie. To tell Him, 'never, Lord' but I keep silent.

'Look at Me!' When did I look away. 'Did I fail you?'

'Yes!' And it's out there. Finally a smile.

'I know you're hurting', he says and pushes the hair out of my eyes. 'I know it scares you.' He lifts my chin up. 'You can cry all you want, when this is over, but it's time to get up now.' He takes me by the hand and lifts me up. I stand there like one of those lame people He once made stand with a word. He bends and picks up my sword and it's whole in His hand. He hands it over. I want to tell Him I won't be able to hold it, but somehow I do. He picks up my helmet and it's shining in His hand. He places it on my head and it hurts. He goes about three paces to the left and picks up my belt and fastens it in place. I wince. Is that a broken rib? He unties my armor and I just bleed all over Him. He whispers, 'breathe' and somehow I do. He does something to it and puts it back. I whimper in pain. He waits and looks me in the eyes. I nod to let Him know I can take it. He walks away and walks and walks and I feel like I'll faint. He's next to me again, my shield in hand.

'You dropped this', he says as he gives me the shield. I feel like I will drop it if a breeze so much as pushes against me.

He kneels before me and I want to protest the action but I need to breathe. And then I see Him cleaning my bloody feet with the hem of His robe before He puts my boots on and all I can think of is, 'it's useless'.

He stands again and turns His back to me. Is He planning to leave me again?

'It's not by strength or by might, but by my Spirit. You remain in Me. You don't just quit. You don't just ask for an out. That's not how this works. I know it hurts, it's gonna hurt some more before it's over, but you do not quit!' Eyes blazing. I must have made Him angry. He smiles again.

'Did the blast make you forget? You are Mine. Now follow,' He says as He starts walking.

Every step hurts. But I follow. Whenever I can't keep up anymore, He stops and waits. He doesn't turn, He knows I'm right behind Him.

I lift my eyes and look around. There's corpses left and right. Too many to count. I keep walking. Did I do all this? Impossible, I think I must have slashed my sword three times at most. And then I look at His back again.

'Did you do all this, Lord?'

'Yes.'

'When? Why?'

“While you were laying there. I had to make a way to reach you.' So matter of fact that it makes me smile.

'I might fall again.'

'I'll find you again.'

'What if I keep falling?'

'I'll keep finding you.'

He never gives up, my Lord. Never. That's what I love most about Him. That's how I want to be...like Him.

'The effects of this blast will pass. I know it feels like you'll never be whole again, but you will. Scarred, but whole.'

'I don't want her to die.'

'I know.'

'But, she will die...'

'Yes.'

I sob. But I keep walking. 

 

by Cristina Pop