Doctor

 In my previous blog post I have mentioned Elie Wiesel's book, Day. I am not in the habit of recommending books, so this is not about that, rather it's about a quote that made me think.

In context a patient, the hero of the book, is having a conversation with his doctor. Here is the quote:

“Do you believe in God, Doctor?” My question took him by surprise. He stopped suddenly, wrinkling his forehead. “Yes,” he answered. “But not in the operating room. There I only count on myself.” His eyes looked deeper. He added, “On myself and on the patient. Or, if you prefer, on the life in the diseased flesh. Life wants to live. Life wants to go on. It is opposed to death. It fights. The patient is my ally. He fights on my side. Together we are stronger than the enemy. Take the boy last night. He didn’t accept death. He helped me to win the battle. He was holding on, clinging. He was asleep, anesthetized, and yet he was taking part in the fight…” Still motionless he again stared at me intensely. There was an awkward silence. (…) “Why don't you care about living”, he asked very softly. (…) “Don't deny it, don't deny it. I know.” (…) “Nobody told me. During the operation you never helped me. Not once. You abandoned me. I had to wage the fight alone. All alone. Worse, you were on the other side. Against me. On the side of the enemy.” His voice became hard. Painfully hard. “Answer me! Why don't you want to live? Why?” (…) I thought, he's angry at me because I left him alone. Because even now, I escape him and have neither gratitude or admiration for him. That's why he's angry. He guessed that I don't care about living. That deep inside me there is no desire left to go on. And that undermines the foundation of his philosophy and his system of values. Man, according to his book must live and fight for his life. He must help doctors and not fight them. I had fought him. He brought me back to life, against my will. I had nearly joined my grandmother. I was actually on the threshold. Paul Russell stood behind me and prevented me from crossing. He was pulling me toward him. Alone against grandmother and the others and yet won. Another victory for him. A human life.“

This passage made me think of Jesus, The blessed Doctor, that fights alone. He is The Life after all... There are times I get wounded on the battle field of all my struggles and I think to myself, 'This is the end, I'll just lie here and wait for death.' Not literal death, but the death of hopes, wishes, prayers which are huge parts of me. Not the kind that need to die because they're whims, but the kind that have been birthed into life by Life. When that happens I need to cling to Life. I need to fight with every cell in me that wishes to live, to aid Him in His process of healing. Because my very bones know, I can't let death win. And if I pretend I don't believe it I'll let Him fight alone for me. In my case, He has fought by Himself for a long time. He has to bring my hopes back to Life almost against my will and face my lack of gratitude when He's done. It's not enough that He has faced death once and for all for my sake, now He has to fight to keep alive everything within me that wants to return to death. And all that without any help from me. Even worse, most times He finds me on the side of death, fighting against Him.

 “You are destroyed, O Israel, because you are against Me—against your helper.” (Hosea 13:9)

Forgive this foolish child, Lord. I'm learning slowly. Forgive me for making You wage war against my hopelessness and fear, time after time. Forgive me for despairing instead of clinging on to Life. I say I am your ally and you find me making deals with your enemy. Forgive me for my fickleness. Forgive me for leaving You alone. I will do better, Lord. Thank You for being strong enough to not give up on me.

“All my bones shall say, “O LORD, who is like you, delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him, the poor and needy from him who robs him?” (Psalm 35:10)

by Cristina Pop