Reaching out

 

Whisper me into hope now that the storm has abated,

Maybe I’ll hear Your words uncontaminated,

I’ll try not to twist them to mean what I crave,

I know that would be easier, but I will be brave.

I won’t nitpick at promises just to excuse my unbelief,

Nor distract myself from memories just to find relief.

I can’t promise You no fear, just that it won’t stop me,

That even as I’ll scheme to hide, I’ll come before You willingly.

Just strengthen the pillars of my clay,

I know at Your word it will mold and obey.

Just decree me whole and I’ll forget where I’m torn,

Just sing me Home and I’ll forget to mourn… 

I know Your voice.

 

by Cristina Pop

In-between

 

Somebody asked me how I’m doing lately, and I said I feel like Abram before he became Abraham and lived between Bethel and Ai. The person said, ‘I don’t know if that’s good or bad’ and I replied, ‘exactly!’. Needless to say, I don’t think they will ask about how I’m feeling anytime soon.

I’ll try and explain myself here. When Abram first entered the land, he had travelled all the way to Shechem and then made camp between Bethel and Ai (Genesis 12:8). He made an altar there and called upon the Name of God. That’s me, between Bethel and Ai, the house of God (Beit El) and a heap of ruins (Hai). In-between healing and hurting, in-between fear and trust, in-between knowing and feeling, in-between despair and hope. With all the potential to fail. With all the fear that might very much be the case.

Abram left his father’s house and ended up in-between Bethel and Ai. He called on the Name of God, but God didn’t say anything, at least it’s not recorded that God answered him, so Abram keeps on going. He just assumes that short of an outright ‘stop!’ he’s meant to keep going. And he does. Until there’s a famine in the land of promise. Abram goes to Egypt. What a mess that was. Abram comes back from Egypt. Back to the in-between. Back to the place he had between Bethel and Ai, back to the altar he had made before the Egypt fiasco (Genesis 13:3-4). This was before Bethel was Bethel. It would take a Jacob to sleep in that place and dream of a ladder on which angels ascended and descended, for the place to be called Bethel (Genesis 28:11-19). This was before Ai was called Ai. It would take a Joshua to come along and make it a heap of ruins (Joshua chapter 8).

 Abram didn’t know where he was, but he trusted God. Later he’d win a battle against 4 kings (Genesis ch. 14). Later he’d be made to count the stars (Gnesis 15:5). Later he’d have his name changed (Genesis 17:5). Later he’d see his promised son born (Genesis 21:3). Later he’d break his heart on an altar (Genesis 22:9-10). Later he’d get a promise God never made before or since to a human being (Genesis 22:16-18). But all that would be later. Now he’s in-between. Where all the questions are,  and all doubts and analysing every single step in hopes he’ll spot the error. In-between believing for the ground he stands on and the awful feeling of being a stranger in his own promised land. Yet trusting. Frail, pathetic, shivering trust, that God knows what He’s doing.  So yeah, I feel like that.

 

by Cristina Pop

Still true

 

 

I was reminded today of a poem I wrote on the 13^th of February 2013 – Mai bine tac, Better I keep silent – and I’ve decided to translate it and post it here.

 

Mai bine tac – Better I keep silent

 

M-ai iubit încă de la început,

You’ve loved me from the beginning,

Nu Te-ai uitat la mine că eram doar lut.

You didn’t care that I was only clay,

Visele mele goale, de Tine le-ai umplut

You’ve filled my empty dreams with Yourself,

Și pașii mei desculți pe Calea Ta i-ai vrut.

And my barefoot steps You’ve wanted on Your Way.

 

Că toate mă strigau 'napoi nu Ți-a păsat,

You didn’t care that everything was calling me to turn back,

Că tot priveam în urmă nu Te-a descurajat,

You were not discouraged that I kept looking behind,

M-ai curățit ca pentru prima oară de câte ori păcatul m-a pătat

Every time sin stained me You’ve cleansed me as if it was the first time,

Și cu ochi noi m-ai privit de câte ori m-am lepădat.

And You’ve watched me with renewed gaze every time I’ve betrayed You.

 

Că eu voiam să-mi fie soare când aveam nevoie de ploi,

That I wanted sunshine when I needed rain,

Că eu voiam să-mi fie pace când trebuia să lupt în război,

That I wanted peace in the middle of fighting a war,

Că aveam inima plină de lume și ochii de Tine goi:

That my heart was filled with the world and my eyes empty of You:

Nu Te-a oprit nimic să vii după mine-n noroi.

None of that stopped You from coming after me in the mud.

 

Acum să-Ți spun că Te iubesc? - mai bine tac...

And now, should I tell You ‘I love You?’ Better I keep silent…

Nu-mi pasă oricât doare voia Ta s-o fac

I don’t care how much it hurts to do Your will,

Și orice legătură cu lumea mi-o desfac,

I untie everything that ties me to this world,

Nu-mi trebuie veșminte-mpărătești, Te pot urma și-n sac.

I don’t need kingly robes, I can follow You even in sackcloth.

 

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה