In-between

 

Somebody asked me how I’m doing lately, and I said I feel like Abram before he became Abraham and lived between Bethel and Ai. The person said, ‘I don’t know if that’s good or bad’ and I replied, ‘exactly!’. Needless to say, I don’t think they will ask about how I’m feeling anytime soon.

I’ll try and explain myself here. When Abram first entered the land, he had travelled all the way to Shechem and then made camp between Bethel and Ai (Genesis 12:8). He made an altar there and called upon the Name of God. That’s me, between Bethel and Ai, the house of God (Beit El) and a heap of ruins (Hai). In-between healing and hurting, in-between fear and trust, in-between knowing and feeling, in-between despair and hope. With all the potential to fail. With all the fear that might very much be the case.

Abram left his father’s house and ended up in-between Bethel and Ai. He called on the Name of God, but God didn’t say anything, at least it’s not recorded that God answered him, so Abram keeps on going. He just assumes that short of an outright ‘stop!’ he’s meant to keep going. And he does. Until there’s a famine in the land of promise. Abram goes to Egypt. What a mess that was. Abram comes back from Egypt. Back to the in-between. Back to the place he had between Bethel and Ai, back to the altar he had made before the Egypt fiasco (Genesis 13:3-4). This was before Bethel was Bethel. It would take a Jacob to sleep in that place and dream of a ladder on which angels ascended and descended, for the place to be called Bethel (Genesis 28:11-19). This was before Ai was called Ai. It would take a Joshua to come along and make it a heap of ruins (Joshua chapter 8).

 Abram didn’t know where he was, but he trusted God. Later he’d win a battle against 4 kings (Genesis ch. 14). Later he’d be made to count the stars (Gnesis 15:5). Later he’d have his name changed (Genesis 17:5). Later he’d see his promised son born (Genesis 21:3). Later he’d break his heart on an altar (Genesis 22:9-10). Later he’d get a promise God never made before or since to a human being (Genesis 22:16-18). But all that would be later. Now he’s in-between. Where all the questions are,  and all doubts and analysing every single step in hopes he’ll spot the error. In-between believing for the ground he stands on and the awful feeling of being a stranger in his own promised land. Yet trusting. Frail, pathetic, shivering trust, that God knows what He’s doing.  So yeah, I feel like that.

 

by Cristina Pop