All of me

I am always looking for inspiration. Always. Today I was inspired by something unexpected. For no apparent reason, I remembered this documentary on Netflix, The 24 faces of Billy Milligan. I mention it because of course I've watched it. Why, you ask? (Pretend you've asked) Because mental illnesses fascinates me, not in the least because I have always believed I am afflicted with one since I can't just explain it away as weirdness. Anyway, the documentary is focused on this famous case of a serial rapist turned murderer that was suffering from Dissociative identity disorder (DID) or multiple personality disorder which entails the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. (I Googled that, I am no expert.) It's a pretty disturbing story and I won't spoil it for anyone who might stumble upon this article, but the gist of it is that Billy was living with 24 other distinct personalities inside him and one of those 24 happened to be a rapist.

It made weird sense to me that his personality had splintered into tiny fractions and was then forced to live with 24 strangers inside himself. I don't think I have Dissociative identity disorder but I am strangely aware of my different "I's". I don't tell people this because I don't want to end up in a mental institution before I get to explain myself. But regardless of what I do or don't tell people, it doesn't change the fact that within me there's a liar, there's a robot like creature, there's a pretender, there's a feminine creature that likes all things girly which the liar covers with a simple 'no, I don't!'. There's a child, there's a reckless fool, there's a coward, there's an army general and a hunter which is mainly in charge. They switch depending on the situation, but I am a mix of all that. I was ruled by different combinations throughout my life. After many, many failed attempts to make the “I” work, the hunter was the only reasonable choice left. He's trained to track God's footprints through any kind of terrain and disaster. And to ensure the rest stay in line, the general is second in command. There's peace now. The “I” works. It's not a well oiled machine, but it works. Most of the time. I have been through times of inner war where each and every part of me was fighting with each and every other. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I remember clearly that the last war the 'I' had nearly finished me. And just when I believed that I have reached the end, I was reminded of Isaiah 11:6,

“The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them.”

All these different versions of me that are completely opposed would kill each other under normal circumstances. I used to think that completely whole and healthy meant to eliminate all the dangerous ones and leave only the cute, peaceful ones. Now I know better. I know that they can all live together in one being. How? Because Jesus came. Jesus Himself being both an lion and a lamb, is both my lion's tamer and a shepherd. Because He rules over all of me, He doesn't need to come guns blazing, shining like the sun, thunder in his voice and lightning in His eyes. Instead He's so confident that I am under his control, that he appears as a little child and all he has to do is start walking and all my “I's” follow. 

by Cristina Pop