There are days when I feel drained. No enthusiasm whatsoever, no energy or even willingness to do anything. Even talking to people is annoying to me and I just need a break from the world. I have a pretty strong character and a sharp tongue so it's not hard to imagine the damage I can do to those whom least deserve it in my life. Due to that charming personality trait I have, I don't enjoy the same liberties as other mortals do. Like a drug addict that can't be trusted around certain substances, I can't be trusted around things that trigger me. I realize that this will make no sense to people that are kind and peaceful and mellow by nature and that's alright. I wasn't blessed to be born good-natured. Whenever someone says to me, 'you're kind' or 'that's wise' or 'I wish I'd have as much grace as you do', I want to scream at them because they make it sound like it's effortless. No, my dear, if I happen to be kind that is a fruit of the Spirit, because believe you me, I am selfish by nature. If I happen to be wise at times it's because I don't think there's anybody alive that feels their own ignorance more acutely than I do, so I work hard for it. If I happen to show grace at times it's only because you happen to see me in a moment where I was seeing Jesus instead of whoever happens to be there in need of said grace. I know my own shortcomings and it pains me every time I stumble because of them. If I was kind by nature, or wise, or graceful, or giving, or helpful, then me exhibiting all those traits wouldn't be a fruit of His Spirit, it would be my own nature. But because I'm none of those things whenever I see any of those traits in me it's glaringly obvious that it's not me. As obvious as a peach tree making cherries! No way that's me. It's Him, His goodness, His kindness, His mercy, His grace, His faithfulness and apart from Him I KNOW I can't do anything.
I wish I'd be able to say that it happened overnight, that I went to sleep selfish and I woke up caring, but that would be a lie. The Lord worked hard on this tree (me). I didn't show any sign of ever bearing fruit for years, but He wasn't discouraged. He pressed on, so I'll die before taking the credit for His own labor. (see Luke 13:6-9)
Was I just waiting there inert while He was working? Absolutely not. I was learning to die to myself, learning how to not get in His way, learning how to not freak out when my peach tree was making cherries. Was it pretty? Absolutely not. But His grace is sufficient for me. Still, I have days, more than I care to admit, when I fail to die to my old nature. Days when I even doubt I have ever died because, whoa! How is it that I am still breaking in the same spot?! Still, in my weakness His strength is made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
On days like I've mentioned it helps me to remind myself of David when he bought the threshing floor from Araunah/ Ornan to dedicate it to The Lord, which later became the site on which The Temple was to be built. (2 Samuel 24:18:25, 2 Chronicles 3:1) When Ornan sees David coming to him he's willing to give him not only the land freely but everything David needs to bring a sacrifice to the Lord, yet the king says to Ornan, “No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God which cost me nothing.” (2 Samuel 24:24)
I know we live in a time when the sacrifice we bring God is songs we like to sing, but I will not use this post to make my sentiments known on that ridiculous notion, suffice it to say I am not talking about singing when I mean sacrifice here. It's everything in you that you're willing to kill in the service of God. Nothing gets off that altar alive. If I am irritable, it's the decision to nip that thing in the bud right there for The Name of The Lord and exhibit patience. If I am angry, I'll use The Water of Life to extinguish that thing right there on the spot for His Name's sake and speak kindly. If I am proud for whatever foolish reason, I'll knock my pedestal from under my feet and fall face down before The One who deserves all glory! If I was offended or my rights overlooked, I'll slay that offense right then and there and remind myself of The One I've offended and still chose to die in my place. If I'm falsely accused, I'll fix my eyes on that cross and contemplate the One True King despising shame and humbly taking upon Himself all guilt and bore it all without a word.
I will not bring The Lord, my King a sacrifice which costs me nothing. I can't lie to myself that me singing and praying is my sacrifice because I do those things for me, I need them to strengthen myself. In prayer, I decide like Jesus in the garden, “Not my will, but Your will be done”, but then I have to actually go, pick up that cross and die on it. I actually have to do what I have decided in prayer. And it can't be half-hearted either. He will see right through my feeble attempts to get away as cheap as possible.
“A son honors his father, and a servant his master. Then if I am a father, where is My honor? And if I am a master, where is My respect?’ says the LORD of hosts to you, O priests who despise My name. But you say, ‘How have we despised Your name?’
“You are presenting defiled food upon My altar. But you say, ‘How have we defiled You?’ In that you say, ‘The table of the LORD is to be despised.’
“But when you present the blind for sacrifice, is it not evil? And when you present the lame and sick, is it not evil? Why not offer it to your governor? Would he be pleased with you? Or would he receive you kindly?” says the LORD of hosts.”
I've never seen royalty, but I did sit next to someone famous. I was wearing my best clothes, I spoke softly and I carefully chose each word. I wanted them to know in every possible way that I respected them. That was a human. A mere human being. There was an old rabbi dying and all his disciples gathered about him for his final words and after blessing them, he said 'may you fear and honor God at least as much as you do people.'
The Lord is a humble God. He's unseen and even when He works He doesn't leave little notes saying, 'I've done that' … It is up to me to be a witness for His works and proclaim them to whoever has ears.
Sometimes I act willfully blind. In my selfishness I want to scream at Him, 'what about me?! What about what I want? I am tired! Even if I'm doing Your will now, it's not because I want to!' Then I put myself in timeout until I remember that no lamb, or sheep, or cow, went skipping joyfully to the slaughter. It fought every step of the way and it took several people to drag it there against its will. So I take my will and drag it there and all the way I hope a voice from heaven will call out to me, telling me that the desire was enough and that I don't have to go all the way. Needless to say that has never happened. I had to kill many Isaacs of mine and no voice from heaven stopped me. Still, that's alright. Because this is not a game I play. I am in a serious covenant with The Only True Living God!
He's my Father, He's worth a little discomfort. He's my Master and King, He deserves all my reverence. I need everything in me to convey in whatever possible way that He's my all. So if I have to kill 200 versions of me in a day, He's worth it.
by Cristina Pop
No comments:
Post a Comment