Prayers

I've had many different ways of praying to God in 22 years of following after Him. In the beginning my prayer was only for 'spiritual' things. I wanted wisdom, I wanted understanding, I wanted gifts, I wanted rainbows and unicorns as it seems to me now. Then as years went by, I began to pray for things to happen in my life. Then I prayed for things to stop happening in my life. Then I prayed to want something, anything at all because I was just numb and it felt like even wanting for luxury was better than not even caring whether I breathed or not. I wasn't depressed, just numb.

I have wanted many things for many different reasons, but for the past two years every time I want to pray I have this image in my mind. I am alone in the boat with The King. Every time there's a little 'please' being squeezed out of my very core, I think of the little boat. Why? Because it helps to center my self. I tend to pray because I'm scared, or pray because I need, or pray because I want. I don't pray to talk to God. I talk God's ear off all day every day. Everything I see, everything I hear, everything I think, everything is just a conversation with God. I don't need to pray to tell Him things. I tell Him things whether He wants to hear them or not. But praying? That is a different thing. I take it as seriously as petitioning The King in an official capacity. I measure my words, I compose my requests. You might think, 'that's sad', but it's what I do. I don't need to be told about the doctrine of prayer, I don't need to be told how your prayers are better, I'm telling you these are my prayers.

Anyway, the boat. The calming of the storm comes to mind every time I think of my boat.

“And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and
the sea obey him?” - Mark 4:37-41

The disciples knew Him. But they got scared, not because they were despicable human beings, but simple human beings. They were afraid because they were fishermen and they have seen boats caught in storms before. They knew how bad this could go. They knew that even if they were the best swimmers in the world, they won't survive the waves. They weren't being unreasonable. And the most upsetting thing was that being on the sea that day wasn't even their idea. Jesus wanted to go in a boat. And then He falls asleep at the stern. Who even sleeps in such conditions?! They were probably yelling to one another because of the storm's noise. I cannot believe Jesus was sleeping, but it seemed that way to them. Can you imagine their despair when they woke Him and said 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?'

I have felt that way many, many times. I have been on the sea my entire life. I have been in shipwrecks and have seen other people shipwrecked many times before. I know what a bad storm can do to your boat. But now I have Jesus in my boat! Right? So it's supposed to be smooth sailing. Only it's not. And for many years I thought that me having Jesus with me was for my supernatural protection. I have something that the other boats don't! And then as it happens on the sea, the storm comes. Over the boats that have Jesus in them and over those that don't have Jesus in them. And sometimes Jesus gets up and calms the storm and you just feel so special and empowered. But sometimes He just sits there. And all you can do is cry out, 'Lord, do you not care that I am perishing? Do you not care that it's now or never? Do you not care that I'll lose everything? Do you not care that this is my mother I have to bury? Do you not care that this is my father I have to bury? Do you not care that I am perishing?'

He cares. It's not for lack of caring that He doesn't stop every storm. It's because maybe He wants me to to fix my eyes on Him and not to tempt Him with my cajoling. When He told His disciples of His plan to go a be a sacrifice for the world, Peter took Him aside and rebuked Him. Peter, that blessed imperfectly perfect disciple rebuked The Lord. It makes me smile every time I read that passage. Jesus has a few choice words for him and then tells him, 'For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.' (Mathew 16:23) I have my own plans, my own desires, my own ideas of what God should do. I was upset many times that God seemed clueless of my situation. And like Peter, I felt the need to remind Him of what He should want, meaning my well being. And many times, like Peter, I have been a hindrance to Him. A hindrance to His will. A hindrance to His plans. Many, many, many times He had to stop and tell me that my mind is set on the things of man and not on the things of God. And I have no doubt He'll have to tell me that many more times before I finish my race. But I am not without hope. I am in the boat with Him. Who knows, maybe one day I'll learn to take His sleep at the stern as a sign that He's not worried and I shouldn't worry either. Maybe one day I'll learn to fear Him more than the waves. Maybe one day, it will be enough to look into His eyes and I won't want for anything but to hold His gaze. One day...

by Cristina Pop