Discalimer

The articles here represent my own belief, thoughts and ideas. Do not copy or publish any of my articles without my permission.

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

In between

 So, I am forty today.

When I was in my twenties I always thought forty is such an ancient age and if I'll ever have the misfortune to live it, I'll be this paragon of wisdom and virtue by the time I reach it. I am completely unsurprised by the fact that I was wrong. I have to agree with Voltaire that, 'What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.' I believe you simply lose the energy to care passionately about every little topic under the sun. You don't jump into every idea ready to do battle for 'the truth'. You're still not wise enough to abstain from battle all together, but you're not young enough either to hang onto every little notion as if allowing room for difference will turn you into some unknown creature. It's a weird place to be honestly. It's definitely an in between place to be. In between youth and old age. In between certainty and doubt. In between wisdom and folly. In between smooth skin and wrinkles. In between excitement and resignation. I have always hated in between. I am someone that deals better in rules and absolutes because they seem safe. In between doesn't feel safe, but I am convinced for the first time in my life that in between is not such a bad place to be. For the first time I feel that the option that this could go right in a multitude of ways or wrong in an equal amount of ways isn't such a bad thing. I hate surprises because I hate to be unprepared. But something has happened to my soul in the past five years. Secretly, hidden even from myself, I started to nurture this little thought, 'what if I'll just let You, Lord, surprise me'. I thought, I'll only utter that thought when I'll be ready for it to be true and face the consequences. But I woke up brave today. I am forty after all. So here it is, Lord: Surprise me! (In small enough ways that I won't freak out)

by Cristina Pop


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