I hate the dark. I hate the uncertainty of it, the monsters it can hide. I’ll turn 41 this year and at my age I still sleep with a source of light on. Pathetic, I know, but that bit of revelation is shared to emphasize that, yes, I hate darkness. Emotional darkness? Now that, I hate with a passion.
I happen to experience quite a bit of darkness at the present moment. Sometimes I think I could face it better if it was caused by me or if it was caused by the enemy, but as it happens that’s not the case, which only makes it even worse. I can’t fight it away, nor pray it away. It’s not a matter of me choosing to change my mindset and view it all in a positive light. It’s not a matter of me exercising my faith. It’s a matter of just enduring it.
The person that means most to me in the world is fading away and there’s absolutely nothing that I or anybody else can do to stop it. My days are measured as good or bad lately by the level of pain she’s in. I’m absolutely powerless facing it and most of the time I’m quite useless. So yeah… it’s dark. Sometimes so dark that I forget how it felt when I could see.
I’ve been talking with grieving, hurting, broken people all my life. I’ve always known when to listen and when to speak and have always made sure that before I speak, they actually wanted my input. As a matter of fact, I’ve taken it to heart to never drill anybody for their deepest feelings because I know that when somebody is experiencing the dark night of the soul everything they feel and think they know is turned upside down, so they’re bound to say things they don’t mean because they’re in pain.
I am NOT the kind of person that talks when in pain. I enter survival mode and avoid people at all costs. It costs me friendships sometimes but I’m alright with that because all my energy is focused somewhere else. People want to help. Usually by imparting whatever wisdom they feel might change you back into the upbeat person they are accustomed to. In my case, due to the fact that my sanctification isn’t yet perfected and my character is such that I can tear someone apart with my words, I find that the only way I can contain the impending carnage, is to stay away from people. Because make no mistake, in my survival mode, the saying of Jesus is true, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” (Matt. 7:6) No matter how holy or precious whatever comforting thing you have to say, I will attack. Why? It’s quite simple. I am in the dark and you are in the light. I am starving and you speak to me with a full stomach. I am frozen and you speak to me from the comfort of warmth. I am in pain and you speak to me from the comfort of not feeling it. Everything inside me wants to punish you for the folly of thinking it was a good idea to open your mouth in the first place. Charming, I know. But there you have it.
If at this time in the reading you feel tempted to point out what an awful person I am, let me just say I am acutely aware of it. That’s one of the reasons I am in need of God’s grace, more than anybody alive. I depend on Him for my very sanity. So all I am, from the moment I first wake up in the morning until I fade into sleep is focused on one visualization. Standing next to Him and holding His hand. None of us says a word. I just hold on to His hand. Because I know that it will be alright. That this darkness will not last forever. That I have entrusted my very being to The One that promises and what He promises He fulfills. (Rom. 4:21)
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” (Isaiah 9:2)
“Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will arise; though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.” (Micah 7:8)
Some pains just have to be endured. My grandmother taught me that.
by Cristina Pop
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