You say it best, when you say nothing at all

I hate the dark. I hate the uncertainty of it, the monsters it can hide. I’ll turn 41 this year and at my age I still sleep with a source of light on. Pathetic, I know, but that bit of revelation is shared to emphasize that, yes, I hate darkness. Emotional darkness? Now that, I hate with a passion.
I happen to experience quite a bit of darkness at the present moment. Sometimes I think I could face it better if it was caused by me or if it was caused by the enemy, but as it happens that’s not the case, which only makes it even worse. I can’t fight it away, nor pray it away. It’s not a matter of me choosing to change my mindset and view it all in a positive light. It’s not a matter of me exercising my faith. It’s a matter of just enduring it.
The person that means most to me in the world is fading away and there’s absolutely nothing that I or anybody else can do to stop it. My days are measured as good or bad lately by the level of pain she’s in. I’m absolutely powerless facing it and most of the time I’m quite useless. So yeah… it’s dark. Sometimes so dark that I forget how it felt when I could see. 

I’ve been talking with grieving, hurting, broken people all my life. I’ve always known when to listen and when to speak and have always made sure that before I speak, they actually wanted my input. As a matter of fact, I’ve taken it to heart to never drill anybody for their deepest feelings because I know that when somebody is experiencing the dark night of the soul everything they feel and think they know is turned upside down, so they’re bound to say things they don’t mean because they’re in pain.
 I am NOT the kind of person that talks when in pain. I enter survival mode and avoid people at all costs. It costs me friendships sometimes but I’m alright with that because all my energy is focused somewhere else. People want to help. Usually by imparting whatever wisdom they feel might change you back into the upbeat person they are accustomed to. In my case, due to the fact that my sanctification isn’t yet perfected and my character is such that I can tear someone apart with my words, I find that the only way I can contain the impending carnage, is to stay away from people. Because make no mistake, in my survival mode, the saying of Jesus is true, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” (Matt. 7:6) No matter how holy or precious whatever comforting thing you have to say, I will attack. Why? It’s quite simple. I am in the dark and you are in the light. I am starving and you speak to me with a full stomach. I am frozen and you speak to me from the comfort of warmth. I am in pain and you speak to me from the comfort of not feeling it. Everything inside me wants to punish you for the folly of thinking it was a good idea to open your mouth in the first place. Charming, I know. But there you have it.
If at this time in the reading you feel tempted to point out what an awful person I am, let me just say I am acutely aware of it. That’s one of the reasons I am in need of God’s grace, more than anybody alive. I depend on Him for my very sanity. So all I am, from the moment I first wake up in the morning until I fade into sleep is focused on one visualization. Standing next to Him and holding His hand. None of us says a word. I just hold on to His hand. Because I know that it will be alright. That this darkness will not last forever. That I have entrusted my very being to The One that promises and what He promises He fulfills. (Rom. 4:21)
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” (Isaiah 9:2)
“Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will arise; though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.” (Micah 7:8)

 
Some pains just have to be endured. My grandmother taught me that.
 

by Cristina Pop

Stay!

 

Alfa –

                      by Costache Ioanid

Alpha

 

Când Adam, în clipa cea deplină, 

 When Adam, at the right time
ochii de ţărâna şi-a deschis, 

From the dust his eyes opened,
a văzut un Om... într-o grădină...

He saw a Man… in a garden…
l-a văzut pe Alfa în lumină,

He saw Alpha in His light,
pe ISUS în scâteiri de vis.

Jesus, in glimpses of a dream.

Şi era grădina ca o carte...

And the garden was like a book…
Pomul cel de viaţă... pomul cel de moarte...

The tree of life… the tree of death….
Trandafiri de sânge... crini de rugăciuni.

Roses of blood… lilies of prayers.

Iar când umbre-albastre se lăsară

And when the blueish shadows dawned
peste taina ultimului ram,

Over the secret of the last branch
înălţându-se în liniştea de seară,

Ascending from the silence of the evening,
Prinţul sfânt Se despărţi de-Adam.

The Holy Prince separated from Adam.

Dar... urcând în zarea albăstruie,

But… rising on the blue horizon,
Alfa, chipul dragostei dintâi

Alpha, the face of the first love
aştepta ca primul om să-i spuie

Was waiting for the first man to say to Him
un cuvânt... doar un cuvant: "RĂMÂI!"...

A word…only a word: “STAY!”…

Au trecut pe urmă ani de-nfrângeri.

Then, many years of defeats passed.
Şi-ntr-o zi, la Mamre, sub stejari rotaţi,

And one day, at Mamre, underneath the oaks,
Avraam văzu pe Alfa între îngeri.

Abraham saw Alpha among the angels.
- Domnul meu, e greu prin soare să străbaţi.

“My Lord, it is hard for You to walk through this sun.
Tălpile în pietre ai să-Ţi sângeri.

Your feet will bleed.”
Şi uitând Avraam povara bătrâneţii,

And Abraham, forgetting the burden of his age,
a pornit cu robii şi-a ales un junc.

Went with his servants and got a calf.
Iar când isprăviră de prânzit drumeţii,

And when they finished eating,
spre bătrân Se-ntoarse Prinţul vieţii:

The Prince of life turned to the old man:
- Sara, pân' la anul, vei avea un prunc!

“Sara will have a son in a year!”

Şi ISUS dădu să plece spre Sodoma,

And JESUS started walking towards Sodom,
murmurând: - Voi arde tot ce-i putred, tot!

Whispering, “I’ll burn all that’s rotten, all!”
Vântul prin fâneţe răscolea aroma...

The wind was stirring through the fields their smell…
Iar Avraam, bătrânul, se gândea la Lot...

As Abraham, the old man, was thinking of Lot…
- Doamne, nici o făptură ochiul Tău n-o pierde.

“Lord Your eye doesn’t lose sight of any being
Sângele din uliţi trebuie să-l răzbuni.

The blood in the streets You must revenge.
Dar să arzi şi vreascul şi copacul verde?...

But will You burn together the dry wood with the green tree?...
Poate sunt acolo zece oameni buni...

Maybe there are ten good people there …”
- Iată, fu răspunsul, îngerii vor trece.

“Behold”, was the answer, “the angels will pass,
De vor fi buni zece, Eu Mă voi abate,

And if there will be there ten good people, I will stay My hand,
voi cruţa cetatea pentru-aceştia zece!

I will spare the city for these ten!”
Şi-a simţit Avraam în piept o plinătate,

And Abraham felt in his chest a fullness,
a simţit c-avea un frate-DUMNEZEU.

He felt he had a brother in GOD.

Dar ISUS, mergând către cetate,

But Jesus walking towards the city,
paşii-ncetinindu-Şi... aştepta mereu...

He slowed His steps… waiting, always waiting…
O, ce mult dorea El, nu lumeşti bucate,

Oh, how He desired, not worldly delights,
nu slujiri, nici fumul unei dulci tămâi.

Not obeyances, nor the smoke of incense.
Ci El, Prinţul Slavei, "Dumnezeu şi frate",

But He, The Prince of Glory, “God and brother”,
pentru-atâtea daruri binecuvântate,

For all the heavenly blessings He bestowed,
aştepta o şoaptă, un cuvânt:"Rămâi!"...

Was waiting for a whisper, a word, “Stay!”…

Prin Iaboc trecură Leea şi Rahela.

After Leah and Rachel have crossed the river,
Iacov, copleşit de frica lui Edom,

Jacob, overcome with fear of Edom,
se ruga în taină. Şi în ceasu-acela,

Was praying in secret. And that very hour,
i-apăru sub ramuri de lămâi... un OM...

Suddenly appeared to him under the trees… a MAN…
I-apăru un înger cu cereşti veşminte.

An angel in heavenly robes.
Şi-L cuprinse Iacov ca pe-un vis din Rai.

And Jacob grabbed Him like a dream from Eden,
- Nu Te las, Stăpâne, până cănd nu-mi dai

“I won’t let go of You, Master, until you give me
binecuvantarea cerurilor sfinte!

The blessing of the holy heavens!”

Stelele pe boltă lunecau în vale,

The stars were slipping on their path in the valley,
urmărind pe Alfa în strâmtoare prins...

Watching Alpha caught in this embrace…
Iar când astrul zilei sângera-n zăbale,

And when the morning star was bleeding daylight,
Prinţul cel de taină Se lăsa învins,

The mystery Prince allowed Himself to be overcome,
aşezand pe Iacov mâini sacerdotale...

Laying priestly hands on Jacob…

Şi-a plecat ISUS încet, cum apăruse,

And Jesus left slowly, as He appeared,
aşteptând ca Iacov, de sub albi lămâi,

Waiting that Jacob, from underneath the trees,  
după ce primise darul care-l vruse,

After receiving the gift he had asked for,
să-L oprească şi pe Cel ce i-l dăduse,

To stop Him, The One that gave the gift,
cu un semn, cu-o şoaptă, c-un cuvânt: "Rămâi!"...

With a sign, with a whisper, with a word, “Stay!”…

Şi trecură iarăşi anii peste lume

Again, years passed over the world,
pân' să crească holda şi să dea în pârg.

Until the crop was grown and ready for harvest.
Iar cândva trei oameni se urcau cu sârg

And sometime three men were climbing
însoţind pe Alfa undeva, pe-o culme.

Together with Alpha, somewhere on a top.

Şi deodată... Doamne, peste muchii crunte,

And suddenly… Lord, over harsh cliffs,
nouri de lumină au venit de sus,

Clouds of light appeared from on high,
ca un miez de soare pe smerita frunte,

Like a sun core over the humble forehead,
pe vesmântul alb al blândului ISUS.

Over the white garments of gentle Jesus.

Se părea că Raiul iarăşi se aşterne,

It looked as if again Eden is restored,
cu oştiri de îngeri... într-un sfânt colind.

With hosts of angels… in a holy song.
Moise şi Ilie, lângă El venind,

Moses and Elijah came and sat beside Him,
ascultau cuvântul dragostei eterne.

And were listening to the word of the eternal love.

Şi-atunci Simon Petru, om de căpătâi,

And then Simon Peter, first among his peers
s-a-nălţat deodată în sclipirea dalbă

Rose in all that shining whiteness
şi-a rostit cuvântul... (El l-a spus întâi!)

And said the word… (he said it first)
- O, rămâi, IESUA, bine-i să rămâi!...

“Oh, Stay, Yeshua, it is good to stay!
Şi-am să fac aicea trei colibi degrabă!

And I will build here three shelters immediately!”

Spre Emaus, iată, trei bărbaşi mergeau,

On the way to Emmaus, behold three men walking,
cu suspine-amare, cu vorbiri ciudate.

With anguished sighs, with strange speech.
- Ce-s aceste vorbe între voi schimbate?

“What are these words you exchange between you?”
i-a-ntrebat. Dar cine-i? Vai! ei nu ştiau!

They were asked. But who is this? Oh, they didn’t know!

- Tu eşti singur oare în Ierusalim

“Are you the only man in Jerusalem
ce nu ştii necazul zilelor acestea?

That doesn’t know about the calamity of these days?”
Şi mergând alături, îi dădură vestea

And walking together, they shared the news,
despre-acel ISUS, MELEK ha IEHUDIM.

About that Yeshua, Melech Ha Yehudim (Jesus, King of the Jews).

- Noi trăgeam nădejde, domnule, că El,

“Sir, we were hoping that He,
Prooroc înalt în fapte şi cuvinte,

Highly esteemed prophet in words and deeds,
va aduce iarăşi slava-n Israel.

Will restore the glory of Israel.”

Şi-a-nceput străinul: - Oameni grei la minte,

And the stranger started: “Foolish men,
inimi de zăbavă, neam întârziat,

Slow hearts, people slow of understanding,
fără Jertfa scrisă-n sulurile sfinte,

Without the Offering written in the holy scrolls,
v-ar fi dat salvare Unsul aşteptat?

Would have the Anointed One been able to give you salvation?
N-aţi citit Geneza?

Have you not read Genesis?
Pe Moria, oare,

On mount Moriah, isn’t it so,
n-a venit să moară un berbec ascuns?

That a hidden ram came to die?
În Exod ce-nseamnă Mielul cel străpuns

In Exodus, what does the sacrificed Lamb mean?
şi-n Levitic Jertfa înlocuitoare?

And in Leviticus, the substituting Sacrifice?
Ce-i în cartea Numeri stânca cea lovită?

What’s in the book of Numbers the rock that has been hit?

Şi acel prooroc din Deuteronom?

Who is the prophet in Deuteronomy?
Nu plângea în David Dumnezeul-Om

Wasn’t the one crying through David, the God-Man?
şi-n Isaia oaia mută şi smerită?

What about in Isaiah, the humble and mute sheep?
Dar voi toţi aceia ce I-aţi fost cununa

What about all you who have been His crown,
n-aţi simţit puterea din Cuvântul viu,

Have you not felt the power of the living Word,
când Rabinul vostru biruia furtuna?

When, your Rabbi, was defeating the storm?
Când ieşea în giulgiu Lazăr din sicriu?

When Lazarus came out of his tomb all wrapped up?
Voi toţi, ucenicii Omului durerii,

All you, disciples of the Man of suffering,
voi ce L-aţi lăsat să fie prins şi dus,

You who allowed Him to be caught and taken,
voi care-aţi privit mărirea Lui ISUS,

You who watched the glory of JESUS,
cum de vă-ndoiţi de gloria-nvierii?

Now you doubt the glory of resurrection?

Ascultau cei doi mustrarea cea tăioasă

The two were listening to the harsh rebuke,
ce turna un foc în inima lor rece.

That was pouring fire in their cold hearts.
Dar trecuse vremea, vai! erau acasă

But the time had passed and oh, they arrived home
şi "străinul" parcă se grăbea să plece.

And “the stranger” seemed like in a hurry to leave.

Şi atunci din nou dorita primăvară

So then again, the desired spring
şi-a rostit cuvântul dragostei dintâi.

Spoke the word of first love,
- O, rămâi cu noi căci vremea e spre seară.

“Oh, stay! Stay with us because it’s evening
Ziua e trecută. Vin' la noi... RĂMÂI!...

The day has passed. Come with us… STAY!”

A trecut apoi peste Chedron o ceaţă.

Then a fog passed over Kidron,
Unsprezece Iacovi se luptau acum!

Eleven Jacobs were fighting now!
Cum să-ntorci privirea şi să pleci la drum

How to look away and start on your way?
cum să laşi atâta dragoste curată?

How to abandon so much pure love?
Pentru cea din urmă binecuvântare,

For one last blessing
mâinile străpunse Alfa Şi Le-a-ntins

Pierced hands, Alpha lifted
Si deodată... uite... parcă S-a desprins...

And suddenly … look… it’s like He slipped away…
Da. Se-nalţă. Urcă, dar plângând... în zare.

Yes. He’s ascending. Higher, but crying… in the distance.

Căci privind de sus pe cei legaţi de Sine

For as He watched from high for those tied to Himself,
cu eternul semn din mâini şi din călcâi,

With the eternal sign in His hands and His heel,
El citea-n toţi ochii aceleaşi dulci suspine:

He could read in all eyes the same sweet sighs:
- O, RĂMÂI, RABUNI! IEŞUA... RĂMÂI!...

“OH, STAY RABBI! YESHUA, STAY!”…

Răsunaţi în nouri, trâmbiţe de-aramă!

Resound from the clouds, trumpets of bronze!
Vino, MIRE tainic, din cereşti poteci!

Come, mysterious GROOM, from the heavenly paths!
Şapte continente zi de zi Te cheamă!

Seven continents every day call on You!
Vino, PRINŢ al SLAVEI!, DRAGOSTE DE VECI!

Come, PRINCE OF GLORY! ETERNAL LOVE!

AMIN

Amen

 

Alfa- by Costache Ioanid

 

I have nothing to offer You, Lord, my God and King. Nothing that wasn’t given to me by You. Whether things, feelings, thoughts… tears. Even me wanting Your return, sometimes feels like that’s Your yearning and I only feel ripples of Your feelings and I imagine them to be my own.

You know all things, Lord. You know my heart inside out and none of my thoughts are hidden from You, so You know I acknowledge that I have nothing Lord… but stay! In this nothing that I have to offer, stay! Help me create a pleasant place for You to dwell in… and stay! Until the very end, Lord, stay! 

Cristina Pop