I know

 I wrote this on the 17th of may 2017 and something reminded me of it so I decided it bares repeating. 

Our biggest fear is being alone. Whether it is alone socially, alone in our feelings or alone in our faith, we fear being alone. 

When it comes to our walk with Adonai, we get scared as well. We’re in a relationship with an unseen Being that is silent most of the time and sometimes we try to guess His thoughts, because we don’t know for sure. And when we choose to hope in Him for a certain thing or the circumstances we face, we’re often faced with a little voice inside that comes and asks “where is your God? You’ve been hoping and believing your heart out and He’s silent… what if God is not with you in this thing? What if it was just your selfishness that wanted this? What if you thought you’re more special than you actually are? What if you’re on your own in this thing? What if you’re ALONE?” 

Now, I haven’t been on this earth that long and I can’t say that I have learned all that much about life in general. There are so many things I don’t know that it’s daunting sometimes. Even in the things I do know, I haven’t considered all sides and all perspectives so I am not sure how credible that makes me in any of my statements. Do I know everything there is to know about HaShem? (Laughing out loud!) NO. But even I, with the little I do know and understand about Him, I can tell you that the little voice that asks you all those things is lying to you. How do I know that? 

When Avraham Avinu was talking with Adonai, in Bereishit (Genesis) chapter 15, HaShem made a covenant with Avraham. And commentators of the Scriptures will have all kinds of interpretations of that passage, some more accurate than others, but I am not gonna talk about the covenant right now, maybe in a different post. Right now I’m going to focus on verse 12 where it says that while HaShem was making this covenant with Avraham, “and see, a horror, great darkness fell on him.” Why? Avraham was in the presence of Ha Kadosh Baruch Hu (The Holy One Blessed is He), how can it be that He was overcome with horror? And most importantly, He was in the presence of The Light how could he be surrounded by darkness?  And this is not the only time HaShem does this. When He made His covenant with Israel at Har Sinai (Mount Sinai) the people were horrified. There was darkness and loud noises and the people got scared. (Read Exodus 19, Deuteronomy 4)

 

You would think that the moment when HaShem makes a covenant would be the time to shine brightly and use everything at His disposal to attract the person that He wishes to make a covenant with. Why on earth would you turn off the light and use the scary effects? 

Because He knows we’re gonna start a journey with an unseen God in a scary place and unless you learn to know Him in darkness you’re going to walk your entire journey wondering if He has left you or not. 

David Ha Melech said in Tehillim 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”. But how do you know that?! BECAUSE He hasn’t dazzled me with His Light. He instead taught me to read His every feature in the dark, and I’m not scared anymore. He scared my fears away when darkness fell on me, because He taught me everything is smoke and mirrors. The only truth there is, is that HE IS and even better than anything else HE IS with me. 

Does that mean I never get scared again? No. I have learned about myself that I don’t doubt His ability to do one thing or another. I fear my ability to still believe if He doesn’t. I fear losing hope. I fear losing faith. I doubt me, not Him. But when that happens, you know what? I remember that I’ve learned Him in the dark. I remember my training. And I pull on the frailest hope I find within me and turn it into the power to say “This is not real… He is.” I don’t trust my faith to take me home. My faith is fickle. I don’t have faith in my faith. He will take me home. And that’s the only truth I know.  

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה