Decisions, decisions

The things we tell ourselves make all the difference. In that secret place, so secret that it might even be unconscious, we all tell ourselves things. Depending on if we’re in good circumstances or bad, we program ourselves to react, act or refrain from action based on whatever we insert into our soul in the decision-making mode. That’s why I don’t have an excuse the moment I have a disproportionate response to a situation: I know it’s just a reflexion of some decision I took long ago. Maybe someone said something slightly hurtful or offensive in a moment I was partial to getting offended and right there and then, whether I realise it or not I have decided NOBODY WILL EVER TREAT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. Of course, it wouldn’t be strong enough if pride wouldn’t be an issue. But in some twisted way, at a time in my life when I was mentally unequipped with discernment, I must have decided that the way to combat someone making me feel small and insignificant was pride. So having programmed pride in my soul instead of a soul attitude that comes from knowing that regardless or what people see or don’t see, say or don’t say, I have value, I then react with pride or sarcasm to situations I’m confronted with. Or if someone I loved said something hurtful to me at a time when I was still young enough to not yet have a fully developed sense of self, I took that as supreme truth about myself and proceeded to incorporate it into the very walls and fabric of my inner world. I mistook their words spoken in tiredness, low blood pressure, despair, depression, anger, as absolute truths about myself and used them to build myself with. It’s twisted and pathetic but true. Then Light came in this twisted, mixed-up world and began exposing things for what they really are, primitive mechanisms to explain ‘reality’ to myself. But that’s not all that Light did, it didn’t just expose my shortcomings but provided me with tools, real tools not blunted carvings I had fashioned for myself out of lies, tools like love, mercy, peace, discernment, patience, kindness, hope. Things I’ve never owned or used in their true form before. I had borrowed such tools before, but never owned them. And Light gave them to me free of charge. It took a long time to learn how to use them and I must admit I still make a blunder of it sometimes. I often try to go at a situation with patience when it doesn’t work without wisdom. Another situation I face with wisdom instead of love. Another situation needs kindness, and I use caution. I’m not a master builder yet, but I am better than I used to be.

Having at my disposal proper tools, my whole decision-making mode has changed too. Rather than wait for a storm to come and then decide how I’ll react, I try to program myself ahead of time what tools I’ll reach for in any given situation. Not because I trust my decision-making skills to guard me in case of an internal earthquake, but because I know that, in as far as it is up to me, I will not work against the Light but WITH Him. If in my good days, I decide to be loyal to The Light, in my bad days I won’t try to find comfort in darkness just because it’s the easier choice.

There is a quote I love in Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte which I think perfectly illustrates this. Jane is a very simple, ugly, poor and friendless woman that ends up working for a wealthy aristocrat. They fall in love, but he is married, and she must decide between staying true to her principles or give in. This quote is describing her struggle, “They spoke almost as loud as Feeling: and that clamoured wildly. "Oh, comply!" it said. "Think of his misery; think of his danger — look at his state when left alone; remember his headlong nature; consider the recklessness following on despair — soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?"

Still indomitable was the reply — "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unstained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad — as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth — so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am quite insane — quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” – 1Corinthians 10:13

by Cristina Pop