Decisions, decisions

The things we tell ourselves make all the difference. In that secret place, so secret that it might even be unconscious, we all tell ourselves things. Depending on if we’re in good circumstances or bad, we program ourselves to react, act or refrain from action based on whatever we insert into our soul in the decision-making mode. That’s why I don’t have an excuse the moment I have a disproportionate response to a situation: I know it’s just a reflexion of some decision I took long ago. Maybe someone said something slightly hurtful or offensive in a moment I was partial to getting offended and right there and then, whether I realise it or not I have decided NOBODY WILL EVER TREAT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. Of course, it wouldn’t be strong enough if pride wouldn’t be an issue. But in some twisted way, at a time in my life when I was mentally unequipped with discernment, I must have decided that the way to combat someone making me feel small and insignificant was pride. So having programmed pride in my soul instead of a soul attitude that comes from knowing that regardless or what people see or don’t see, say or don’t say, I have value, I then react with pride or sarcasm to situations I’m confronted with. Or if someone I loved said something hurtful to me at a time when I was still young enough to not yet have a fully developed sense of self, I took that as supreme truth about myself and proceeded to incorporate it into the very walls and fabric of my inner world. I mistook their words spoken in tiredness, low blood pressure, despair, depression, anger, as absolute truths about myself and used them to build myself with. It’s twisted and pathetic but true. Then Light came in this twisted, mixed-up world and began exposing things for what they really are, primitive mechanisms to explain ‘reality’ to myself. But that’s not all that Light did, it didn’t just expose my shortcomings but provided me with tools, real tools not blunted carvings I had fashioned for myself out of lies, tools like love, mercy, peace, discernment, patience, kindness, hope. Things I’ve never owned or used in their true form before. I had borrowed such tools before, but never owned them. And Light gave them to me free of charge. It took a long time to learn how to use them and I must admit I still make a blunder of it sometimes. I often try to go at a situation with patience when it doesn’t work without wisdom. Another situation I face with wisdom instead of love. Another situation needs kindness, and I use caution. I’m not a master builder yet, but I am better than I used to be.

Having at my disposal proper tools, my whole decision-making mode has changed too. Rather than wait for a storm to come and then decide how I’ll react, I try to program myself ahead of time what tools I’ll reach for in any given situation. Not because I trust my decision-making skills to guard me in case of an internal earthquake, but because I know that, in as far as it is up to me, I will not work against the Light but WITH Him. If in my good days, I decide to be loyal to The Light, in my bad days I won’t try to find comfort in darkness just because it’s the easier choice.

There is a quote I love in Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte which I think perfectly illustrates this. Jane is a very simple, ugly, poor and friendless woman that ends up working for a wealthy aristocrat. They fall in love, but he is married, and she must decide between staying true to her principles or give in. This quote is describing her struggle, “They spoke almost as loud as Feeling: and that clamoured wildly. "Oh, comply!" it said. "Think of his misery; think of his danger — look at his state when left alone; remember his headlong nature; consider the recklessness following on despair — soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?"

Still indomitable was the reply — "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unstained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad — as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth — so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am quite insane — quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” – 1Corinthians 10:13

by Cristina Pop

 

Until we meet again

 

“When I don’t know what else to do, I sing to The Lord.” That’s what my grandmother always used to say. I don’t even have to close my eyes to see her in a memory, sometimes content, sometimes choked with tears, working or meditating, always singing. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, and I just had this vivid memory of us working in the field. I was just a child, and she was quite a way in front of me with her task. I remember how uncomfortable it all was, the sun scorching hot, and I had a rebellious moment when I wanted to be anywhere else and then I looked at her. She was singing a song I’ve heard her sing a million times and she had this look on her face as if she was somewhere else, at peace and happy. I didn’t understand where she was when she had that faraway look on her face, but I remember thinking that I’d follow her to wherever she was going. When I was little, I was jealous of her God that always had all her attention. Part of me loved Him because I knew He had her heart, and I wanted to be part of that too. I wanted to be able to sing to Him like she did. She had this hymnal she opened every morning and evening after finishing reading her Scripture and she was singing from it. I got jealous one day so while she knelt down to pray, I took the hymnal and scribbled in it. For no other reason other than I wanted a part of me in her treasured possession. Of course, I got punished but for the rest of my life, whenever she opened the book she reminded me, at first resentful and then smiling, “see, this is your doing”. In 2015, while visiting her, she said the same thing to me, so I took a pen and I said, ‘write down that you’re leaving me this book and your Bible’ she laughed thinking I was joking, but then proceeded to fulfil my request. She said, ‘you don’t even like the old hymns’

, I said, ‘I love you; I don’t need to love the songs. I love the one that sings them’.  On the 10^th of September, last year, she died. I lost both my parents 2 years apart but losing her made me feel well and truly orphan in this world. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about her without feeling like my raw skin is being pulled over broken glass. I confess I’m not there yet. Anyway, last night, while pondering what to do with all these feelings inside me, I remembered her singing. I’ve began listening to a song and it helped. I’m not mourning as those that have no hope, I know she went to be with The Lord, and I know I’ll see her again, I just dread all the time in between now and then.

 

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4

I love my King

 

“Then Satan answered the LORD and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason?” – Job 1:9

I’ve had this question in my heart for months now. Not about Job, but about myself. Do I revere God for no reason? I want things to go well with me and with those I love, I want to be blessed, I want all positive and amazing things for myself, I’d like to go through life with as little pain as possible. Do I really love Him or do I want things from Him?

 Satan was right about Job, and he is right about me when he waltzes in all gleeful, declaring that my loyalty is not unconditional. I suppose he’s been observing us for long enough to know which way our hearts incline. Fact: Job wasn’t serving God unconditionally. By pointing it out to God, he wasn’t informing God of something God wasn’t aware of. So why the testing? Why did God allow Job to be stretched past the point of breaking? I suspect to teach Satan and all the heavenly court a lesson. That when a human is in love with God, that human will question, will reach all sorts of unjust conclusions concerning God, he will demand a day in court, he will rage, he will tear himself apart in searching for the ‘why’ in a particular situation, will demand a different outcome and when all words will fail said human might even grow numb, but love for his Master will never allow him to walk away.

Satan thinks we’re worthless. Self-serving, manipulative, corrupted to our very core. He sees us as worms, “how much less man, who is a maggot, and the son of man, who is a worm!” (Job 25:6) Not so with God. When The Lord, finally shows up on the scene in Job’s reality, this broken man, despised by friends and foes alike, almost convinced himself he is indeed nothing but a worm, he is challenged by God, “Now prepare yourself LIKE A MAN; I will question you, and you shall answer Me.” (Job 38:3) Not like an angel, not like a giant, like a MAN. God knows the value of a human and I don’t blame Satan for not seeing it, he’s just a creature not God.

Nothing has changed since Job. Satan is predictable like that. He hates us too much to see the value that God insists is there. He did the same with Jesus’ disciples. At the last supper, Jesus informs Peter, “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31-32) Oblivious, Peter makes all kinds of promises that he will break and so do the others. He talks about his hour and they’re looking for swords and they reach the most ridiculous conclusion in the history of humankind that with two swords they’ll overthrow an empire and enthrone Jesus as King. And The King doesn’t laugh at their utter stupidity nor sets them straight although He sees He will be taken and all of them will run like scared children. He loves them. He took on flesh for them. No matter how much Satan is bent on revealing all their shortcomings, He’s not deterred. All hell, in one voice is yelling, “are these the ones you want to redeem? Look at them! Traitors all of them!” And Jesus resolutely looks ahead. No number of charges laid against the sheep will make this Shepherd turn away. Why? Because He knew even as Peter was cursing himself that he had never even seen Jesus, that Peter loved Him. Later, on a shore He’ll ask Peter, “do you love Me?” because Peter needed to remember he loves his Master and that The King believed it.

We might get tested, we might get bruised and almost snuffed out, but The King we serve doesn’t break off bruised reeds nor does He quench a smoking flax (Isaiah 42:3). Never let the despair of your own shortcomings convince you of Satan’s lies. Love has created you. Love came for you. Love died to give you new birth. Love keeps you and Love will wait for you when you reach home.

Some day my memories might fade. I might forget places and the steps I took to get to those places. I might forget names and faces. I might forget every verse I’ve memorised and every doctrine I’ve stood by. I might forget everything, but even then, I’ll remember that I love Him back and He believes me.

“For, “Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.” (Hebrews 10:37-38)

by Cristina Pop